This was an encouraging read for me, thank you! I found the change from achievements and praise in school to the lack-there-of in motherhood a bit of a jolt! But you're right: it's a humbling discipline, and ultimately, I agree, a happy one, too! Choosing to be a (mostly) stay at home mom has been my favorite decision but also one that I often find myself wrestling to validate, even to myself, so hearing others speak to its significance spurs me on.
Im so tired of the labels on social media. Preserving a tradition is not a sin. I don’t worry about the trend of women wanting to nourish their families. Why do we have to worry (or denigrate) a woman’s decision? I struggled with wanting to seem cool in Brooklyn when I had young kids. I even hated myself for a minute because my liberal friends would think I was helping destroy the planet. But then I got a grip. It was hard. We were very poor. But it lasted only a short while. I even look back on the occasional boredom fondly. Motherhood is part of the divine gift of life. It’s an amazing power I value. Yes I love writing novels and being cool but at 58 I’ve done both and it was awesome being what is now being labeled a trad-wife.
Lovely perspective to hear. The labels are annoying. I find the social media influencers who lean into the labels annoying too. There are a lot of accounts that commodify the lifestyle of being a so-called "trad wife" by making it into an aesthetic that generally involves a lot of homemade bread and flowy dresses. Not that either of those things is individually bad! But it encourages another variety of the self-cartoonifying identity politics we've seen exemplified in the LGBTQ(ETC) movement where one's entire identity is reduced down to one trait. It's like a fetish.
How lovely that you write novels! I wonder how your season of motherhood played into that? Have you written on that topic? I should check out your Substack.
Motherhood played a big part in my writing. Not because I was doing a lot of writing when they were toddlers though. Having children allowed me to revisit childhood in a way. It also broke my heart in a lot of ways which I think added depth to the stories I tell about family relationships and the scars left by dysfunction. Having children made me more compassionate and led me to question the feminist, angry narrative I'd been fed by the culture. I was no longer of two minds about motherhood (this took a while). And finally, as my kids grew up, we had so much time to become true friends. We participated in Civil War reenactments when I started doing research for my first novel and have such fond memories. They've read all my novels as adults and truly discussing them together (many times they see bits of themselves in the stories) is a highlight of my life. It's like we are bonded on such a deep soul level. Of course, this can happen for women who work outside the home or for anyone, but this has been my experience.
How good to hear! One thing I'm looking forward to in motherhood is telling bedtime stories. My dad's an economics professor, but he would let us pick characters and settings for bedtime stories, and those evenings tucked under the covers are some of my best memories.
Thank you! It was good to hear over Christmas that you are finding contentment in your season as a single woman. God knows what life circumstances we each need at every time to grow nearer to him :)
Oh my goodness. This is for sure one of my favorite posts from you so far. You have the truth of the Bible in every paragraph, and you write from your experience, and yet you make it easily possible for many others with other perspectives and backgrounds to read and understand and relate. This was so eye opening to me and undoubtedly to so many others who read it. This is the kind of stuff I love seeing in my inbox, and it really makes me think. Whatever approach you took to write this, it was phenomenal.
ND Wilson always says to pay attention to the God-authored story that is your own life! I’d say that’s my usual approach to all my personal essays. I’m glad you liked this one :)
As an expectant mom in my 20s, I have been struggling with the same dilemmas since my friends all see childbirth as a setback in life.
Thanks for your honest contemplation.
I do have one small question, since I think I am less familiar with the scripture than you are. Can you point out to me the part in the gospel where Jesus contests the assumption that wide reaching public work is the most important life? I do see that his way of life shows it, but I wonder if he also rejected it out loud.
Aw thanks, Evelyn. And congratulations on your good news! I can’t think of a quote from Jesus, but I think every action of his life displays this attitude. Particularly, the way his role of Messiah dismayed the Jews because they were expecting a triumphant, powerful general who would give them military victory over their Roman oppressors. The verse that comes to mind is from Paul—”For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.“
Amelia, to know you is such a treasure and your writing never fails to point towards Christ when I need to hear it most! Thanks for sharing your experiences in such a God-honoring way, I can't wait to see how He shapes you through this season. Love you lots and praying for you and your family ♡
This is a treasure to read. So thankful for your testimony as you intentionally wind through these important truths about God’s unique work in each individual, our limitations as humans, the culture and milieus around us, and what we truly love.
I like how you summarized it as an essay on “what we truly love.” What exactly we are doing doesn’t matter nearly as much as -why- we are doing it, which I think is why the gender role debate gets too lost in the weeds of contextual details.
Years ago I read this article and it struck a chord with me, much like your article has today. Christ's definition of value so often turns the world's definition on its head, doesn't it? Much love, me.
Not that anyone asked for this—but to any latecomers to the comment section, I found a great quote on working vs stay at home moms in this article https://fairerdisputations.org/maternal-wall/: “What even counts as working anymore? Even if we wanted to be judgey, it’s hard to keep track of everyone’s varied experiments with part-time jobs, at-home jobs, Etsy shops, or gig work. The mothers I know are filling all sorts of roles in virtual or community organizations, and it’s often unclear who is paid and who is a volunteer. Why ask?
Instead of fighting their own civil war, modern mothers have moved to the cutting edge of another social transformation. We’re making the most of a growing range of alternatives to traditional jobs, helping support our families even as we prove to fellow Americans how much we are capable of doing.”
Hahahaha! This is so human, and I totally get this. I mean, what you describe from the mission field is something that happens with housewives all the time (a lot of moms seem to try to turn their kids or houses into personal trophies). We can use literally ANYTHING as a pride point.
Hm. I'm glad you're asking this non-rhetorical question because it's really making me think about it. Well, I have been asking God for humility since high school, when I didn't even really understand what pride was, and he says that if we ask, we'll receive. So, that's ongoing. I think when I was supermuch struggling with this after declining my PhD program admission, what helped was finding joy serving others in international student ministry. It was not my "main thing," which I think kept me from wanting to toot my own horn. I was a newbie and just along for the ride, but it gave me that feeling that I was part of something great.
Another help has been making a true statement and remembering it (sounds simple but it's weirdly hard). In January 2023, I was convicted by a testimony a church elder gave about how he had been meditating on God's word–just reading the same book over and over again for a whole year. I decided then and there that any "literary art" or other achievements I poured myself into were going to burn to ash (if they even worked out), and that the only thing that was guaranteed to be worth my time was pursuing God through meditating on his Word and loving people. And so, when I find myself slipping into my achiever mentality, I just repeat that conviction back to myself so I become convicted anew.
Looking at my thoughts just now, I wonder if some of our mutual desire for accolades is actually just a perversion of a desire to live a truly meaningful life? Maybe it's not a matter of totally annihilating this desire but instead refining and re-channeling it into something good. I still want to do something BIG. But I think, if God loves me at all, he won't let me do anything BIG if it costs him my soul. What are your thoughts?
All this is so good. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you!
This was an encouraging read for me, thank you! I found the change from achievements and praise in school to the lack-there-of in motherhood a bit of a jolt! But you're right: it's a humbling discipline, and ultimately, I agree, a happy one, too! Choosing to be a (mostly) stay at home mom has been my favorite decision but also one that I often find myself wrestling to validate, even to myself, so hearing others speak to its significance spurs me on.
Glad to hear it was helpful! Keep up the good fight 💪
Im so tired of the labels on social media. Preserving a tradition is not a sin. I don’t worry about the trend of women wanting to nourish their families. Why do we have to worry (or denigrate) a woman’s decision? I struggled with wanting to seem cool in Brooklyn when I had young kids. I even hated myself for a minute because my liberal friends would think I was helping destroy the planet. But then I got a grip. It was hard. We were very poor. But it lasted only a short while. I even look back on the occasional boredom fondly. Motherhood is part of the divine gift of life. It’s an amazing power I value. Yes I love writing novels and being cool but at 58 I’ve done both and it was awesome being what is now being labeled a trad-wife.
Lovely perspective to hear. The labels are annoying. I find the social media influencers who lean into the labels annoying too. There are a lot of accounts that commodify the lifestyle of being a so-called "trad wife" by making it into an aesthetic that generally involves a lot of homemade bread and flowy dresses. Not that either of those things is individually bad! But it encourages another variety of the self-cartoonifying identity politics we've seen exemplified in the LGBTQ(ETC) movement where one's entire identity is reduced down to one trait. It's like a fetish.
How lovely that you write novels! I wonder how your season of motherhood played into that? Have you written on that topic? I should check out your Substack.
Motherhood played a big part in my writing. Not because I was doing a lot of writing when they were toddlers though. Having children allowed me to revisit childhood in a way. It also broke my heart in a lot of ways which I think added depth to the stories I tell about family relationships and the scars left by dysfunction. Having children made me more compassionate and led me to question the feminist, angry narrative I'd been fed by the culture. I was no longer of two minds about motherhood (this took a while). And finally, as my kids grew up, we had so much time to become true friends. We participated in Civil War reenactments when I started doing research for my first novel and have such fond memories. They've read all my novels as adults and truly discussing them together (many times they see bits of themselves in the stories) is a highlight of my life. It's like we are bonded on such a deep soul level. Of course, this can happen for women who work outside the home or for anyone, but this has been my experience.
How good to hear! One thing I'm looking forward to in motherhood is telling bedtime stories. My dad's an economics professor, but he would let us pick characters and settings for bedtime stories, and those evenings tucked under the covers are some of my best memories.
I love that! Such good father memories! My mother used to read all the Louisa May Alcott books at bedtime. She got me into the classics
This was so beautifully written and such a help to remember to be content in each time of life.
Thank you! It was good to hear over Christmas that you are finding contentment in your season as a single woman. God knows what life circumstances we each need at every time to grow nearer to him :)
Every part of this is so, so good. Brilliantly put.
High praise from you :)
Oh my goodness. This is for sure one of my favorite posts from you so far. You have the truth of the Bible in every paragraph, and you write from your experience, and yet you make it easily possible for many others with other perspectives and backgrounds to read and understand and relate. This was so eye opening to me and undoubtedly to so many others who read it. This is the kind of stuff I love seeing in my inbox, and it really makes me think. Whatever approach you took to write this, it was phenomenal.
ND Wilson always says to pay attention to the God-authored story that is your own life! I’d say that’s my usual approach to all my personal essays. I’m glad you liked this one :)
Thank you so much for this article.
As an expectant mom in my 20s, I have been struggling with the same dilemmas since my friends all see childbirth as a setback in life.
Thanks for your honest contemplation.
I do have one small question, since I think I am less familiar with the scripture than you are. Can you point out to me the part in the gospel where Jesus contests the assumption that wide reaching public work is the most important life? I do see that his way of life shows it, but I wonder if he also rejected it out loud.
Thanks, it would be very helpful for me.
I would also read Matthew 18, where Jesus teaches on the question of who will be the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven! And around Matthew 20:20 :)
Aw thanks, Evelyn. And congratulations on your good news! I can’t think of a quote from Jesus, but I think every action of his life displays this attitude. Particularly, the way his role of Messiah dismayed the Jews because they were expecting a triumphant, powerful general who would give them military victory over their Roman oppressors. The verse that comes to mind is from Paul—”For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.“
1 Corinthians 1:26-29 ESV
Amelia, to know you is such a treasure and your writing never fails to point towards Christ when I need to hear it most! Thanks for sharing your experiences in such a God-honoring way, I can't wait to see how He shapes you through this season. Love you lots and praying for you and your family ♡
This is a treasure to read. So thankful for your testimony as you intentionally wind through these important truths about God’s unique work in each individual, our limitations as humans, the culture and milieus around us, and what we truly love.
I like how you summarized it as an essay on “what we truly love.” What exactly we are doing doesn’t matter nearly as much as -why- we are doing it, which I think is why the gender role debate gets too lost in the weeds of contextual details.
Years ago I read this article and it struck a chord with me, much like your article has today. Christ's definition of value so often turns the world's definition on its head, doesn't it? Much love, me.
https://nosidebar.com/mediocre-life/
Thank you, Jennie! I will definitely give this a read. It must be quite an article to have stayed with you through the years.
Not that anyone asked for this—but to any latecomers to the comment section, I found a great quote on working vs stay at home moms in this article https://fairerdisputations.org/maternal-wall/: “What even counts as working anymore? Even if we wanted to be judgey, it’s hard to keep track of everyone’s varied experiments with part-time jobs, at-home jobs, Etsy shops, or gig work. The mothers I know are filling all sorts of roles in virtual or community organizations, and it’s often unclear who is paid and who is a volunteer. Why ask?
Instead of fighting their own civil war, modern mothers have moved to the cutting edge of another social transformation. We’re making the most of a growing range of alternatives to traditional jobs, helping support our families even as we prove to fellow Americans how much we are capable of doing.”
Hahahaha! This is so human, and I totally get this. I mean, what you describe from the mission field is something that happens with housewives all the time (a lot of moms seem to try to turn their kids or houses into personal trophies). We can use literally ANYTHING as a pride point.
Hm. I'm glad you're asking this non-rhetorical question because it's really making me think about it. Well, I have been asking God for humility since high school, when I didn't even really understand what pride was, and he says that if we ask, we'll receive. So, that's ongoing. I think when I was supermuch struggling with this after declining my PhD program admission, what helped was finding joy serving others in international student ministry. It was not my "main thing," which I think kept me from wanting to toot my own horn. I was a newbie and just along for the ride, but it gave me that feeling that I was part of something great.
Another help has been making a true statement and remembering it (sounds simple but it's weirdly hard). In January 2023, I was convicted by a testimony a church elder gave about how he had been meditating on God's word–just reading the same book over and over again for a whole year. I decided then and there that any "literary art" or other achievements I poured myself into were going to burn to ash (if they even worked out), and that the only thing that was guaranteed to be worth my time was pursuing God through meditating on his Word and loving people. And so, when I find myself slipping into my achiever mentality, I just repeat that conviction back to myself so I become convicted anew.
Looking at my thoughts just now, I wonder if some of our mutual desire for accolades is actually just a perversion of a desire to live a truly meaningful life? Maybe it's not a matter of totally annihilating this desire but instead refining and re-channeling it into something good. I still want to do something BIG. But I think, if God loves me at all, he won't let me do anything BIG if it costs him my soul. What are your thoughts?
Also, I guess I -DID- get your initial right. Go me!