What Is A Gentleman? Male Violence & Female Fear

Gentlemen are so named because not all men are gentle.

What is a gentleman? Now that I am married with a daughter of my own and young sisters on the dating scene, I find myself increasingly contemplating this question. I want to know how to help them identify gentlemen because living under the aegis of good men is one essential key to female happiness.

When I was pregnant, I came to terms with the vulnerability of my sex in ways I hadn’t before reckoned with. I bore a life within my own, a fragile life that could be snuffed out if I didn’t carefully tend and sustain my own. For me to care for the baby, I needed my husband to care for me. Thirty-nine weeks into pregnancy, as we climbed Drinking Horse Mountain, I depended on him as my literal prop. Taking mincing steps on late February’s smooth surface of packed-down snow, my ascent was slow. But when I stood at the peak above the glittering bowl of our Montana town, I felt powerful. This feeling of power came from the knowledge that if I slipped, my husband would catch me easily in his arms. I was weak, and I was strong. Held and protected by my husband, holding and protecting my child, I could conquer the world.

A month ago, Lauren Southern, a tradwife influencer was in the news for going public about her experience of domestic abuse. Many of the comments on this rundown of her story disparage Lauren and defend her abusive husband, making excuses like “well, he was probably just depressed because of lockdown.” As I read them, I found myself wondering why people felt the need to defend this despicable man. But many of the commenters, I realized, were only here because they had previously worshiped Lauren Southern as the epitome of the perfect wife in the perfect marriage. Why were they defending her husband’s abusive actions? Because they didn’t want their legalistic vision of gender roles to crumble, dumping them back into chaos of sexual relations, the age-old messiness of people.

This debacle is just one of many examples of the failure of checklists, of one-size-fits all rules for sexual behavior. But if no list exists, how do we navigate these troubled waters? How do I help my sisters find good husbands that will give them happy marriages and secure pregnancies? How should I raise my future sons?

Perhaps it is easiest to define the gentlemen more broadly in the context of why they are needed. What initially prompted me to ponder this question was the knowledge of my own vulnerability. The fact is, gentlemen are so named because not all men are gentle. Only in a world where violent men prowl does the concept of a gentleman emerge. In order to begin to define the gentleman, then, we must face the underlying reality of male violence and female fear.

Male Violence & Female Fear

It’s the humdrum background of female existence to carry pepperspray, walk in pairs at night, keep an eye on our drinks, be catcalled and mentally undressed, bat off handsy men, and follow a motto of constant vigilance.

This is a surprisingly controversial thing to admit to. In “Are Women Allowed to Be Afraid of Men?”, Kaeley Triller Harms responded to the kerfuffle around the viral social survey asking women whether they would rather meet a bear or a man in the woods. A surprising number of women chose the bear, and, in response, many male Internet users (the troll-ey kind, no doubt) went “wHaT tHaT hURts MY FEELINGS yOu HYSTERICAL, man-hating sHreWs!!” Kaeley observes that this is a common type of response towards women who express concerns for their own safety.

I remembered then that as a teen, I had scoffed at my mom’s practice of carrying her car keys like a dagger between her knuckles in nighttime parking lots. It seemed paranoid to me at the time. Since then, I’ve grown wiser. Now that I’ve lived a little, I have accepted that it’s the humdrum background of female existence to carry pepperspray, walk in pairs at night, keep an eye on our drinks, be catcalled and mentally undressed, bat off handsy men, and follow a motto of constant vigilance.

That female fear is often disparaged means it often goes unspoken. If everyone blames a woman for being afraid, how should she expect the world to respond when she’s actually in danger? You can have a great deal of confidence, even in a creepy place, if you know that when you scream for help, the locals won’t dismiss you as overdramatic, or shrug and “let you face the consequences of your stupidity.” We want to live in a society where we defend the vulnerable first—and then ask questions.

Man-Eating Tigers

“DANGER” our female spidey-senses blare when a man passes us on a lonely street at night. “(He’s probably just a nice, normal dude) but DANGER!”

Not every man is a predator. But any man could be one. There’s a huge difference.

Most lions, tigers, and bears don’t hunt humans. In fact, most are frightened of people and try to stay out of their way. But if a predator has a taste of human meat, it sometimes develops a craving. This craving can turn it into the monster of your worst nightmares. The murderous Champewat tigress killed at least 436 men before she was shot in 1907. She was so wild for human flesh she would prowl into a village in broad daylight, snarling and gnashing her teeth.

Jim Corbett, an Irish master tracker and marksman, shot and killed the Champawat Tiger in the spring of 1907 after a months-long pursuit.

Healthy men, like healthy tigers, don’t eat women. But the fact that renegade men are capable of committing such devastating crimes against humanity casts shade on the entire population.

It doesn’t help that there are no visual cues to tell us conclusively whether any given man is a “woman-eater.” Many women first experience sexual violence from a relative or family friend. Or from a politically correct, perfectly groomed, “feminist” radio host like Jian Ghomeshi. In a thoughtful 2016 analysis of the Red Pill community, Stephen Marche observes that, “Among men today, there is violence hidden under the virtue, and virtue hidden under the violence. The only constant is the hiding.” The stealthiness of human evil, its multitude of disguises, makes it very hard to trust anyone.

So, “DANGER” our female spidey-senses blare when a man passes us on a lonely street at night. “(He’s probably just a nice, normal dude) but DANGER!”

The Predator’s Worst Enemy

A gentleman consciously reassures a woman, through numerous small actions and words, that he will never let anyone treat her as prey.

That women fear men is old news. For me, this discussion of fear brings up a more practical question. If all men sucked, things would be simple. Women would just avoid them, and humans would go extinct. But the fact is, we need each other. Sex is the spice of life. So, who are the good men? And how do we recognize them?

Given the substratum of male violence and female fear that undergirds sexual interactions, I think the essence of the gentleman is that he protects the vulnerable. When a woman like Lauren suffers clearly documented domestic abuse, the gentleman doesn’t use Twitter to defend the abuser on behalf of his sex. He defends the woman (and not on Twitter—in real life) because men are not all equal and some must be disowned and disavowed. The gentleman prioritizes justice over loyalty to those who look, act, talk like him.

Practically speaking, this means:

1. He is gentle. Women and children always feel completely safe in a room with him.

2. Similarly, he recognizes he must win female trust. He’s not entitled to it.

3. He is as alert to potential predators as a woman. He doesn’t assume most men are chums but protects the women and children in his life by looking out for their interests.

4. When he finds a predator, he’s not gentle. He’s not a simp. Or effeminate. Or wimpy. Or “lame.” To be a gentleman, he must first be a man. He kills the man-eating tiger. He confronts the predatory uncle. He channels his natural aggression to fight evil.

A gentleman is a man who responds to a woman’s fears not by dismissing them as silly or statistically unlikely but by keeping her safe. A gentleman consciously reassures a woman, through numerous small actions and words, that he will never let anyone treat her as prey. The gentleman, not the feminist, is the predator’s worst enemy.

As a final disclaimer, the internet is perhaps the worst training ground for relationship wisdom. There is not, has never been, nor will ever be a conclusive manliness checklist, or a guru who can identify and solve all one’s problems from afar.

Humans are messy. Otherwise, great literature wouldn’t exist. We can’t and shouldn’t be legalistic about male and female behavior, but we can try to do what is right. We can encourage our husbands and fathers, our brothers and sons, to keep an eye out for the vulnerable. And we can keep on learning.

Questions to fuel discussion:

Women—What red flags do you look for in a man? And what green flags tell you that he’s worthy of your trust? Do you think women are more or less frightened of men today than they were 100 years ago? Why?

Men—How do you sort between good and bad guys? What is your code of conduct towards women and how did you learn it? Have you had women react badly to what you consider gentlemanly behavior? Are men allowed to be afraid of women? If so, what do they fear?

P.S. A masculine movie rec: If you haven’t already, you should watch the movie The Holdovers. What I loved about it was that it portrays the inner lives of two initially unpleasant men such that, by the end of the movie, your notion of each man is entirely redeemed. It’s funny, compassionate, gritty, and a rare love song to unheroic men who become everyday heroes, unseen and unsung, through small choices. At the end, you may look at your husband (as I did), and say, “Wow. That movie made me fall in love with men.” Because it’s about masculinity. Not guns. Not heroic rescue missions. But a neurotic old curmudgeon and an angry troublemaker, both lonely and abandoned, learning to take care of each other in a distinctively male way.